Unless you pin down one of those metaphorical flies before you head into theatreland there’s a high chance you are gonna have to succumb to being ‘Une cellule individuelle’ for the duration. I’m not trying to put the willies up you, although that is certainly the long term goal, I’m just letting you know how it rolls behind the curtain.
Problem numero uno:
Most of the men are not persuaded by you. It’s MT; it’s a 70:30 gay:straight conundrum. Quelle surprise. However, they make for great eye candy and a minimal amount of dry-humping will always suffice on a two show day. Thankfully they never really report a pervy-straight-girl’s low-level of sexual harassment.
However, this amount of titilation has it’s time limit. At some point you’re gonna have to put down the hot homosexual and go on a date.
What about the straight boys? Well once you’ve all had a good game of hide and seek, you will find them on their phones to their girlfriends and wives in the interval. You will fall in love with them because of how much they love their WAGS, but in the end, they will become your best mates. Your best mates that you’ll occasionally let touch your boobs in a quick change so they know that most women still have one bigger than the other.
There are some straight AND single ones out there too of course. But, before they settle on one Beau they tend to have a taste of the “Triple Threat Menu”; that’s a girl onstage, backstage and front of house. I don’t blame them, theatre peeps are aesthetically advanced on the whole and given the same shot I’d work my way from jock to jock.
We all know how dating your co-star ends. Bravo to the winners who’ve made it work. I’m very happy for you shiny happy people, but on the whole, it usually only lasts as long as your name tags do in your costumes at the end of the contract.
Oh and don’t forget the techies. If you can peel them away from their phones in the wings you might be in with a chance, but it’s very hard to see them in all that black.
So, there’s no one at work that you wanna step out with (regardless of that jäger fueled tumble you had with that ensemble boy). So what next?
Maybe it’s time to find a Muggle?
Here’s some secrets to making that whole dating thing work, when there’s no one to date and no time to meet them.
1. Get online.
Pick a favourite out of the 27,000 that pop up on your Facebook feed. You never selected a relationship status did you? Makes you prime meat for those despicably violating algorithms.
2. Once you’ve picked a site, or several, actually use them.
And don’t just put up one pic. More the merrier. Less than 3 pics and you’ll be swiped in a totally unsatisfying way. Don’t forget how photogenic you are. Plus even if you’re a 6, you know how to make yourself look like a 9. You do make-believe for a living, darling.
3. Don’t use your head shots.
It’s a little bit Corporate Carol, ready for her first day on the switchboard. And the other actors will spot you a mile off…and judge.
It’s the best way to fit it in to your schedule and much less pressure having a coffee than a gin on a first date. As a general rule you’ll only ever have ONE hot drink instead of 6 rounds and shots. Plus, if they ain’t your cuppa chai you can say adieu, to you and you and you. This saves you the expense of a taxi home asking the cab driver why he thinks you’re still single as you both sing to ‘True Colours’ on Magic FM. Mr Taxi will take the top line. Obvs.
5. Get a wingman.
Your very own ‘Goose’ can do the shooting for you if you spot someone who “Tops your Gun”. Or “Guns your Top”. Oh whatever.
A wingman is a must. They do all the leg work whilst you sit pretty, bum twitching with embarrassment.
6. Go straight.
We know how much you love them poles, but sweetie, he’s probably NOT in the basement of a gay bar. Get your Gucci Cootchies out there. To all the straight boys reading this, if you hang out in a Gay Theatre Bar, you will basically be The Don. Tell all your friends and then bring more friends. It’s a national emergency.
7. Get set up.
Your new mantra every time you learn a friend has a boyfriend is “does he have any hot straight friends?” Your chances are slim in musical theatre so you’ve gotta be proactive. If your mates know you well enough, they will get this right. If they don’t, back to late night cuddles with your old friends Brie and Camembert.
8. If all else fails.
You’re gonna have to get that ensemble boy drunk again and hold on tight til morning.
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